Confusion of Emotion

Five more days. That's five more days until the due date arrives.

Confusion of emotions ride over me. It's crazy! I want this baby out so bad, and yet at the same time, I want the baby to stay inside for a little longer.

I sit here and I think that those five days will come and go and I will still be pregnant...and that thought makes my body just go "ugh". But, as anxious as I am to NOT be pregnant anymore, I am sadden by the fact that I will never get to experience this again.

Pregnancy is not fun...but it's special and unique and so weird! A baby growing inside of you...hard to even think or grasp the entire details that go along with that. Your body goes through SO MUCH, and a lot of it makes most people squirm if they knew all the details (mucous plug anyone?)...yet, to the women who actually get to experience this, it's absolutely amazing. I love looking at my belly and seeing baby move about, and at the same time HATE IT because it hurts so much now (the belly just cannot stretch anymore). I look at my belly button and am amazed at how this hole is about to pop out...and yet, squirm at the thought of how this part of my body can just "pop".

I see women out and about with their newborns and I get all excited about being able to finally hold mine in my arms...and then I start to get worried about the newborn, and I start thinking about how I don't know if I am ready for another baby. Yes, I know...a little late to be thinking that..but I am!!

I am so nervous about how this is going to affect our family. I am nervous about what kind of a mother will I be to TWO kids. I often think I suck at being mom to just abi, now I've added another kid to the mix? I worry about handling the stress of no sleep, plus having to care for the 6 year old...with a smile on my face...and the baby. I worry about how Abi will cope with this new addition. Sure, now it's all exciting, but when reality hits, how will she cope? How will I help her cope? I want more than anything for Abi and this baby to have a special bond, to love each other and to connect in ways that I never really did with my siblings. I worry about the age difference. I worry about the finances...mat leave this year, daycare next year, plus trying to keep abi in at her school. I worry about Billy and I...will our relationship suffer? I worry about friendships and how having another child will affect some of those friendships.

Then the baby will punch me and my anxieties of what kind of mom I will be, and the worries I have, leaves me and I start to pray that this baby will come out sooner rather than later!

To those I love, peace.

D